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2006-11-01 - 1:18 p.m.

Possible Replacements for the Standard Out-of-Office Autoreply

1. I will be out of the office from September 22 to September
26. I will not reply to your message when I return.

2. Iíve moved my office outside, to the picnic tables by the
cafeteria workersí parking lot, and so I will not be able to
check e-mail for some time. If youíre coming out this way,
please bring me an egg salad sandwich and a nice pillow.

3. Thanks for e-mailing. Iíve decided, however, to reorganize
the department. One major change is that Iíll be reporting
directly to myself. If your need is urgent, please contact me,
at extension x3667. I have no access to voicemail. Thank you.

4. If this is in regard to a baby shower, a bridal shower, or a
mother-of-the-bride shower, please count me in for the cake. I
do not like buttercream icing. Whoís getting married, by the
way? Oh? Thatís very nice. I donít like her very much. Make sure
I get a big slice.

5. Your request is important to me. So are these: 32x32 (slim
fit), 12-year-old single malt, the Pittsburgh Steelers, apathy,
and hunks of gorgonzola. Please retract your request and
resubmit in the form of a nice haiku. I do not like poetry.

6. For real, dog.

7. No.

8. Oh, definitely (NOT!).

9. Your momís out of the office and will have limited access to
e-mail.

10. I will be out of the office from September 22 to September
26. I will respond to your message when I return, though I will do so while thinking of pornography. Have you ever heard of the term, ďtoo much informationĒ?
Well, homeboy, thatís what youíre asking for. If your need is
urgent, please reconsider your priorities and while youíre at
it, make sure to salt and pepper that egg salad sandwich.

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