2006-11-01 - 1:18 p.m.
Possible Replacements for the Standard Out-of-Office Autoreply
1. I will be out of the office from September 22 to September
26. I will not reply to your message when I return.
2. I�ve moved my office outside, to the picnic tables by the
cafeteria workers� parking lot, and so I will not be able to
check e-mail for some time. If you�re coming out this way,
please bring me an egg salad sandwich and a nice pillow.
3. Thanks for e-mailing. I�ve decided, however, to reorganize
the department. One major change is that I�ll be reporting
directly to myself. If your need is urgent, please contact me,
at extension x3667. I have no access to voicemail. Thank you.
4. If this is in regard to a baby shower, a bridal shower, or a
mother-of-the-bride shower, please count me in for the cake. I
do not like buttercream icing. Who�s getting married, by the
way? Oh? That�s very nice. I don�t like her very much. Make sure
I get a big slice.
5. Your request is important to me. So are these: 32x32 (slim
fit), 12-year-old single malt, the Pittsburgh Steelers, apathy,
and hunks of gorgonzola. Please retract your request and
resubmit in the form of a nice haiku. I do not like poetry.
6. For real, dog.
7. No.
8. Oh, definitely (NOT!).
9. Your mom�s out of the office and will have limited access to
e-mail.
10. I will be out of the office from September 22 to September
26. I will respond to your message when I return, though I will do so while thinking of pornography. Have you ever heard of the term, �too much information�?
Well, homeboy, that�s what you�re asking for. If your need is
urgent, please reconsider your priorities and while you�re at
it, make sure to salt and pepper that egg salad sandwich.
