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2005-06-10 - 1:30 a.m.

I got this email this afternoon from an ex-girlfriend. Out of the blue and all that. I don't know how or if I should respond to it. I'm not very good at stonewalling anybody, but this is the only person I've ever cut out, completely. Or, as completely as is possible with someone I once loved very much.

"Hey-- I've been thinking of you more lately and wanted to say hi. I
feel bad about the last email I sent you-- I think I have developed,
or perhaps enhanced, a bitchy streak. Anyway, I spent some time
online looking for your email. Last time, I just Googled your name
and I found your Yahoo address. This time, I found a story you wrote. I could only read the first page without being a member
of the site (which i couldn't get). Then I thought that I wouldn't
put the effort in trying to read the rest because the story was about
Deb. Even now, I was getting weird feelings about reading the story.
But I gave in to curiosity-- especially since it was nice reading your
writing and I accessed the story via a database I have a login for
because I am taking a class this summer at UMUC. So, I'm not sure if
you ever intended an ex to read the story. Well, I read it and
decided to email you. I don;t completely understand my feelings
now... but I miss you-- as a friend or as a lover, not sure yet. But
I thought it would be okay to let you know-- just throw it out there.
Not expecting you to respond or anything. Yes, now I'm babbling. Are
you in Norfolk now? How am I? Okay, I remember sending you an email
a long time ago, all happy ...blah. I think I was trying too hard.
Work is great, I am in the process of buying a townhouse (College Ave
down the street from where you used to live), and am leaving tomorrow
for Texas to visit my family for four days. So a lot of great things
are happening in my life. My love life is falling apart though-- but
what's different is that despite it all, I'm doing pretty okay for
myself. Dont think I am writing you because of the latter statement
and that I am sad and want some strange confirmation ... I think too highly of you to do that. I'm not going to bother re-reading this
email and stressing over what I've written and how it sounds. I hope
you are doing well and that you love teaching-- if you do love it,
then it must be one of the greatest feelings in the world for you.
Keep in touch?"

This is the kind of situation I can't tell my guy friends about, I've learned. They get mad at me for responding. I think everyone reacts differently when it happens to them. What is certain is that, for this girl, I went to my one and only actual, real-deal counseling session, with a licensed psychologist or psychiatrist. His name was Bob. She always just called him "Bob." They met every two weeks. It was toward the end, when we weren't having sex any more and when we both thought we should try whatever we could to make it work. And then it didn't and we were both fine about it that was three and a half years ago and I keep thinking about what my friend Kevin says when he talks about ex-girlfriends. "I already have a lot of friends," he says.

But I'm playing basketball tomorrow at noon and I can't deny that two hours of basketball, some weeks, is better than four hours of most anything else. You know, etc.

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