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2005-04-05 - 12:21 a.m.
I wrote this email to my family this morning:
After having spending probably too much time in my apartment, in front of a computer and writing about myself, I'm going to continue, here, writing about myself, but this will be about myself in another country: Canada, home of the polite and land of the cold. First thing: I did not, not once, suffer a relapse of the killer tooth syndrome. This has happened several times before. This syndrome flares on plane-ride descents, when the air pressure inside my head rises and wants to release itself through my ears but is somehow unable to. The air pressure is highest in my teeth, for some reason. I understand physics enough to know this doesn't make any sense (the air pressure, on descent, should be higher outside my head and should want to push air in through my eardrums, so...) but it happens nonetheless. I did some research before I left and found out that if you do the hold-your-nose-and-close-your-mouth-while-blowing-out trick, it should relieve the pressure inside the head and all should be well. I did this, about three hundred times, just to be sure. My ears clicked a lot and the air bubbles did not get trapped in my lower, left-side molars. So that's a good start to a trip to the other side of the continent. Vancouver is wet. And shiny. And lots of Asians live there. Nobody seemed to have cars, so these electric buses (with the trolley-style arms up in the air that run along overhead electric cables) rumble up and down the downtown streets, all day. Also, there are lots of pretty girls in Vancouver. And mountains frame the city, and these mountains are forever shrouded in low-slung wispy clouds that look like thick, stagnant cigarette smoke. They are, however, much prettier than cigarette smoke and don't smell like anything at all. Also, everything is in bloom. The flowering trees were flowering and the tulips bloomed in every available tiny patch of dirt, found in the the plazas of office buildings and in little parks that fill the spaces between the buildings. If you like to drink dark coffee from cafes on the ground floors of metal-and-glass skyscrapers, if you like to get asked for change, if you like forty-five and misty, if you like umbrellas, if you like pine trees all around, if you like pedestrians waiting for the white man to light up before they cross intersections, then Vancouver is your place. Thursday. I checked in and I think the concierge (who was a man) was hitting on me. I was not wearing my brother's favorite shirt, the pink one that he says is my gay shirt. When I got to the conference, about six blocks away, I talked with some Canadian publishing people, told them where my hotel was, and each one of them made a face and said I should not walk around there at night. I, however, knew that if the hotel's neighborhood were to be transplanted to Baltimore that it would be considered one of the best parts of town, good for tourists and business-types always talking too loudly on their cell phones. I talked with as many publishers and editors of journals as I could, trying to get a handshake and name in edgewise as hundreds of other students and writers and talkers tried to do the same. The first one I recognized was the nonfiction editor of the Mid-American Review, a respected journal from Bowling Green State that had rejected me several times, but always with encouraging words saying send more stuff. This guy was a prick, however, and though he remembered my name, was rude and acted put upon. I repeated my name several times and also the title of my book. I did exactly this with about forty other people throughout the weekend. The other thirty-nine were much more encouraging. I attended workshops on selling a nonfiction book and learned much about what to do and what not to do, how to word a proposal so that it arouses the maximum amount of interest from big New York publishers. I took lots of notes. These kinds of workshops are depressing if you listen too hard. That night, I met up with some ODU professors and we went to a part of town called Gastown. Here, I did not get hit on by men but I did order and eat a swordfish steak that was very good. And I drank an on-site brewed India Pale Ale that was very cold. This was all done on an enclosed patio with big gas heaters that made the plastic covering overhead fog up. We could see the Vancouver skyline from our table. After that, I went to a talk by a Canadian novelist named Alistair MacLeod. He rambled about how Canadian writers are affected by the climate. I guess I sort of already knew that. He kept saying things like, "So and so writes about how the snow piles high like a such-and-such. A writer from Key West would never write that line." I thought: yes, you're right about that. And then he said the same thing about five minutes later. He was a nice old guy with a Scottish accent. He talked a lot about snow. Since I was going on about three hours sleep (my flight from Norfolk left at 7 am and I was still recovering from the trip to Albany, which went really well--no tooth syndrome there, either) I went to bed around one in the morning, somehow left the TV on and woke up what seemed like seven minutes later, when the sun was out, sort of, behind the clouds. Friday. I did all the agents-and-New York publishing workshops this day, all morning. I had also stolen about three pounds of baked goods from the hotel's continental breakfast (croissants, muffins the size of a fist, apples, bananas, cheese danish deals) and carried these around for lunch. At lunch, the sun came out for an hour and I walked across the street from the conference hotel, to a park in front of the Vancouver Art Museum, where I ate said baked goods, checked out the flowering green stuff, and refused about three inquiries as to whether or not I had any spare change, which I did but declined to part with, since all I had were Canadian two-dollar coins, which are copper-colored in the middle and silver-colored around the rim. I think the queen of England might be on these coins, and that's sort of weird. I did more shaking hands and talking with publisher-types Friday afternoon. For dinner, I walked down by the harbor (like Baltimore's with the expensive restaurants and things but prettier in the same way that a mountain lake is prettier than, say, the pond by my parents' house. I ate the shit out of some sushi at a little place a block from the water and the bill was nine-fifty Canadian, about seven bucks. I was waited on by a Japanese girl who weighed about eighty-five pounds. I did not, as the dude on Jackass does, snort the wasabi. I again met up with the ODU guys and we went to a reading. First was a Canadian poet who was a little drunk. She said this to the audience. She pretty much did a stand-up routine about America and Canada and threw some poetry in so she could earn her check. She was a performer. Everyone was laughing and her poetry was good, too, which was a bonus. Then Michael Ondaatje ("The English Patient") read next and he was pretty bad. He read like he had just chugged a bottle of NyQuil (his teeth may or may not have been green, "giant fucking Q" style). Since I was with the professors, they got me into a VIP reception for these two writers on the top floor bar of the hotel (called "The Roof"), where there was an open bar and food. I drank three kinds of Canadian beer, none of which I'd ever heard of before. The ODU guys told me stories (one of them has no sense of taste or smell, literally. He had facial surgery when he was in his twenties and the doctor accidentally cut the olfactory nerve. He said he orders food based on texture. You might think he'd be a thin guy. He is not. This is also the guy who played on the losing Indianapolis team in "Hoosiers." He also played at Kansas with Wilt Chamberlain. He was also a member of my thesis defense committee.) We went to a dance party thing, drank some more and when I went outside I met a beautiful, dark poet girl from Illinois Urbana-Champaign. I did not ask her about the basketball team. I had a feeling that to do so would have harmed the conversation. Saturday. I went to readings and panels on nonfiction, run by some of the guys who have accepted my stories. I went up and said hello to this guy Michael Martone, who I'd emailed a week before the conference, saying I liked his work and who'd said to find him in Vancouver. I shook hands with more publishing people and honed my pitch, which is a weird thing to do. I talked with a ton of other students and found out about a ton of journals which I was surprised to learn take the kind of stuff I write. I went to the ones I've submitted to and told them they'd better keep an eye out for my stuff lest I find them next year and slash their tires. Actually, most of them were no-driving city-types so I guess I'll just beat their Schwinns with a hammer or something. I left for the airport around three on Saturday. I took a prop-plane from Vancouver to Seattle. I got off the plane, trying to figure out what I was going to do for the six-hour layover in Seattle, when I heard my name on the loudspeaker, saying "United Airlines paging passengers Doofus, Roofus, and me." I walked over and he said: "We're in the awkward positon of having overbooked the flight to Chicago..." I'd heard people tell this sort of story before and so I knew what was coming next. I'd already told myself that I was going to do it, mainly because I didn't want to take the overnight flight across the continent on which I'd be unable to sleep. He said if I'd be willing to leave the next morning (Sunday) at six, that they'd pay for a hotel room, dinner, and that they'd give me $400 in United vouchers that I could use for any flight in the continental US. I said yes. I caught a shuttle to the hotel across the street, vouchers in my backpack, and set the alarm for four in the morning. I went to sleep. Also, "to make up for the trouble" of the bumped flight, I flew first class to Chicago and then to Norfolk. This was nice. I ate food and drank bloody marys. My friend picked me up and we went out for a beer. I was more tired than he was. I slept well last night.
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